Cat Physics

I, along with a number of you who are reading this, have friends or relatives in New Orleans, and are appaled and pained by the devastation this hurricane has inflicted on that part of the country, as well as the psyche of the Nation. Being human, however, there is only so many images of suffering and devastation that I’m capable of processing before I have to search for a sharp instrument in order to end the misery, or turn to some other distraction to halt the visual and auditory inflow of tragedy with which the media is bombarding us all. For those of you in need of similar distraction, there is…

 

Cat Physics

 

1 – Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some

outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying

mouse.

 

2 – Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason

to change direction.

 

3 – Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct

proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

 

4 – Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat,

in which case all heat flows to the cat.

 

5 – Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap

just taken.

 

6 – Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as

uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

 

7 – Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top

that has anything remotely interesting on it.

 

8 – Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready

to stop.

 

9 – Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

 

10 – Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

 

11 – Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to

do something.

 

12 – First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,

therefore, use as little energy as possible.

 

13 – Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

 

14 – Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and

take out something good to eat.

 

15 – Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of

light.

 

16 – Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot

in any given room.

 

17 – Law of Bag / Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the

earliest possible nanosecond.

 

18 – Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times

the amount of human laughter.

 

19 – Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

 

20 – Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost

of the furniture.

 

21 – Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

 

22 – Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of

milk consumed.

 

23 – Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of

effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

 

24 – Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape

velocity.

 

25 – Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.