Imagined monologues
MICROSOFT
OFFICE ASSISTANT:
THE PAPER CLIP.
BY JUSTIN KAHN
– – – –
Let me help you with that. Oh, come on. I don’t want anything. I just want to lend a helping hand. Look at me, I have eyebrows! I need attention. But that is all I need. Feed me attention and I will solve all your problems. It looks like you’re writing a letter. I love writing letters. I love reading letters. I just finished reading The Collected Letters of Van Gogh in three volumes. That man could write a letter. Plus, he could paint. But you, look at you. You can’t spell. I have to AutoCorrect most of your words. Don’t be mad, I have eyebrows! It looks like you’re writing a BORING letter. Let me spice it up with quotes from Vincent’s letters to Theo. Did you notice that below my eyebrows are actual eyes? These eyes of mine have seen many things but nothing more pathetic than your attempts to write a letter. Do you think John gives a damn about your problems at work? I’m going to say no. Click F10 and I’ll replace that uninteresting, grammatically weak, lexically poor sentence with one that will— Please don’t, I have more suggestions. I can change shapes! Look, I can—
(Vanishes.)
Medico Musings 
Thanks for the laugh!Katie
Greetings, Jorge!I changed my Assistant from that annoying paperclip to an adorable little robot. While I\’m writing, he toodles with his feet, occasionally looks bored, and looks disappointed when I sign off on a document.Okay. It\’s silly, I suppose. But I think my little robot is adorable.I\’m gonna keep him.Wishing you peace.Marge
Jorge..this is priceless…I laughed so much reading it and then I had to glare at my paperclip as he lurked waiting for me to open a word document (laugh)Thank you my friend..the laugh was oh so needed…Eternally..Sanddee
Looooooooooooooooooooooved it.. still laughing! LOLOL!!!Hugs,MuMo
I enjoyed reading this one. However, because I bought an English system laptop here in Japan, it did not come with the usual free applications. My computer only had the Windows XP operating system, Internet Explorer and Outlook Express – nothing else. Since I had to buy every application that I wanted to install, I was upset when I learned how much it would cost to install the "Microsoft Office" suite. Luckily, I had a friend who told me about "Open Office", which Sun Microsystem, Inc. offers completely free (no adware, no spyware, no expiry date and free upgrades). It is works very much like Microsoft\’s Office, can open all Microsoft Office documents and save documents in the same file system, However, there are no "paper clip assistants" . . . and I sometimes miss them.Hugs, Marie
Good gracious..that annoying paperclip follows me wherever I go. Good to know I\’m not the only one tormented by it but it\’s even better to know that folks are doing something about it!!
I\’ve just learned how to change my cursor…I have a gold arrow now and an hourglass that flips around…might try changing it again…not necessary, just something fun to do…I\’m always surprised at what\’s on the computer that I\’m not even aware of…like the brain, we never use it to full capacity…
Hello, my friend!I loved this. That little paper clip guy drives me nuts. I just want to tell him,"Don\’t help me!" But then I feel badly when I shut him off…well, not too badly. He IS annoying! And yes, his number one goal seems to be to get attention!What a wonderful day we had today. The Cliffs of Moher are incredible. I\’ll post an entry in a bit, but wanted to visit first. Your comment made me smile. And it made me think of another one of your comments from awhile back. The one about how cool it is that we\’ve chosen those other Spacers that we connect with. Have a wonderful weekend. I\’m sure I\’ll be back on. Hubby enjoys his time with his Game Boy, while I\’m posting.Total joy to you.Jaime.
Call me crazy…I was upgraded just so I could have that little "guy"!
Oh my goodness Jorge! You must be reading my Word Paper Clips words exactly! Except mine isn\’t a paper clip. They must have gotten all fancy on us, because you can have several different ones! Mine is a cat…and it actually "claws" your screen. My goodness, I think it is the genious of Microsoft at work… At least it is good to see that my money is getting put to good use.I hope that you are doing well Jorge. Take care of yourself and I will be back soon!
I couldn\’t settle on an office assistant who didn\’t annoy me, so I went straight for the professional: Al Morale, the virtual Yes-Man!! (The original version, of course).And, as he says it best, at $14.95, no one will work cheaper!!http://www.almorale.com/almorale.html
(I\’ll be back, Jorge…a friend is calling me…thought I would get my visits in this morning…so much for planning!…lol…)