Date Application

My thanks to all those who have stopped by here over the last few days to offer Christmas good cheer and wishes for the New Year. The holiday caloric levels have still not returned to their baseline levels, and my brain remains adrift in hazy glow left by the last slice of linzertorte I managed to stuff in my mouth. For those of you have recovered, and especially for those who have daughters of dating age (as well as their potential suitors) I offer the following application form:

 

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER 

 This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, lineage history and current medical report from a doctor of my choosing.                  DATE OF BIRTH________________ NAME:___________

HEIGHT:                     WEIGHT:                                                   IQ:          GPA:_______DL#___________SOC.SECURITY  :                                         

BOY SCOUT RANK:                                           SUNDAY SCHOOL ATTENDED:________________ Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?__________If "NO" explain on back of this page

Number of years parents married                   Any brothers or sisters?                 Are they normal?_____________

Do you own or have access to: a van _________ A truck with oversized tires                                     A waterbed_________ Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly ring?_____________ A tattoo?___________

(if yes to any of these, discontinue application and leave premises immediately)

In 50 words or less, what does the word LATE mean to you? _________________________________________

In 50 words or less what does “Don’t touch my daughter" mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does the word “NO" mean to you ? ___________________________________________

In 50 words or less, give your definition of "Real Pain": _________________________________________________

Church you attend:                                                                                                          how often do you attend: S, M, T, W, Th, F,

When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and minister?________________________________ Please fill in the blank:

A    If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ______________

B    If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my_________________________

C    A Woman’s place is in the _________________________________________________________

D    The one thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is________________________________________

E   When I meet a girl  the first thing I always notice is her_____________________________________

F  What do you want to be if you grow up?____________________________

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm dismemberment, torture or natural disaster.

Signature of Applicant____________________________________

Signature of Father_________________________                      Signature of Mother _____________________________________

Signature of Minister_____________________________________

Signature of State Representative

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don’t  call  me!  I’ll call you!