Motorcycle Cool

Don’t know how many of you have ever ridden a motorcycle, but it’s quite an experience. For those who ride, (and those who fantasize about riding) the following article offers a different perspective on bike safety. 

Welcome to TexasMotorcycle-Safety School.


– – – –

I plan on teaching you automatic-car-driving sissies how to not kill yourself on the road. You can call me Mr. King if you would like, but I prefer you just call me King. Since I already introduced myself, I would also like to inform you this is no "ride my Vespa from Starbucks to the office by 9" course. After rigorous drills of swerving, dynamic braking, and emergency maneuvers, God help me if you think you can join Hell’s Angels. Maybe you will be able to pedal that 5 cc toy you mistake for a bike to the park for a Sunday picnic while I ride downtown to pick up some real women.

First, hop on your bike. I said get on the bike, no ballet dance required. OK, now turn the fuel-injection switch to "On." Turn the ignition. Can’t find it? Let me guess, your Lexus has remoteless key start? Switch the kill button, put the choke on, and press the electric starter, and did you just try to start the bike from second gear? If we didn’t have to wear helmets out here, I swear certification would solve itself.

Now let’s begin our first exercise. I call this the West Texas roll. Maneuver in the first-gear friction zone between the orange cones and then shift to second gear on the straightaway and through the turn marked by the green cones. Act like you own this practice parking lot. I want a little James Dean look on your face, but not too much. You aren’t ready for that much cool yet. There you go, downshift to first and stop the bike. You actually might not be mistaken for a man with a midlife crisis if you keep this up.

Before you go home and pop Easy Rider in your DVD player, first learn how to stay on your bike without falling off while in the Target parking lot. Not much to a tight U-turn, just a little counterweight steering while looking behind you. Excuse me! Don’t go Euro on me and pretend you’re making courier deliveries on your Stella. Roll back on the throttle before entering the curves!

You see that bike over there, that 1,000 cc of man with all of society’s sensitivity stripped from his metal body? (Apologies to the ladies in the group, but we just didn’t have your kind when this machine was invented.) He doesn’t pay child support, he doesn’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and he doesn’t take crap from his boss. He just knows how to ride. I hope someday you will release yourself to this untamed beast. But before that happens, you have to first learn to not crap your pants just admiring his beauty.

Your final test, ladies and gentlemen: the supercourse. First, you will tightly weave the lime-green cones while using the clutch. Then, you will enter a large turn with the slow-look-roll method (without the clutch!), and finish off the straight with a quick-stop brake (if you even think about dropping that rear braking foot to the pavement, your certification paper is mine). The easy part is done. Now, I want you to do two U-turns in a figure-eight fashion through those cones. May God have mercy on your bike-riding abilities.

You showed a little gusto out there today. I judged you folks wrong. I am not going to hold it back: It makes me somewhat teary-eyed to see so many qualified cyclists in one place. It reminds me a little of my family reunion. Or the county prison. I want you to remember that what you learned today can not only save your life but, more important, can keep you from looking stupid on your bike. Let’s ride.

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18 Responses to Motorcycle Cool

  1. Cheryl says:

    That was terrific…Once flipped a bike like 40 years ago.  I was stoned and going through the woods….Hit a downed tree.  I gave that life up.LOL

  2. Michelle says:

    Hi Jorge,
    He sounds like a drill sergeant in the army! LOL
    That was very funny.
    As a little girl,  I rode with my Uncle  sometimes
    on his motorcycle. I had not thought about
    that in a long time. What a great feeling!!! 🙂
    At around 12 I rode a mopad. NOT THE SAME! hahaha Had several crashes with my cousin which we never told our parents about!

  3. Patricia says:

    I\’ve never ridden a motorcycle…maybe, I\’ve missed something…

  4. barbara says:

    That little diatribe reminded me of my motorcycle course I took 8 years ago. I remember those orange cones. Part of our test was to \’jump\’ our bike over a 4×4 hunk of wood. THAT was interesting!
    Sold my Harley 4 years ago and took a jet to Europe. Bicycling is my life now.

  5. redvelvet says:

    Hi there… thanks for dropping by… I am wondering if my space & my comments are working correctly… some have told me they can\’t access my space… by the way, I am okay… just a little melancholy these days…

  6. Charlotte says:

    Well, my idea of a motorcycle is to watch great men ride….. and going through Sturgis the first week in August!!! ha… hugs, lottiemae

  7. the1stephzen says:

    Warning…don\’t write a comment and then try to sign it.  I lost a very long post that way.
    I used to ride behind my ex some.  He would not teach me to drive.
    One day he left me sitting behind with the motor on.  I decided to grasp the handlebars and pretend.  Well, I did more than pretend.  I took off, almost hitting the group of guys working on his buddy\’s motorcycle, jumped a ditch (no fence) and ended up over the handlebars in a freshly plowed field….nothing hurt but my pride.  One of the guys took me aside and told me he wanted to teach me the basics because he could tell I was going to get back on the motorcycle.  My answer….of course, it threw me! 
    I\’d like to e-mail about my "news" but I can\’t locate your e-mail.  If you still have mine, please, e-mail.

  8. the1stephzen says:

    Sign IN….not sign it in ther previous post.

  9. Gelert says:

    Heya. what\’s the link to your other blog? Don\’t want to lose you!
    I used to ride bikes a lot, mostly pillion, I\’ve not fancied buying one since my brother fractured his skull on one, and had another friend die also. But, I remember stripping and re-building a Norton Commando one time (not alone), riding a Truimph to the coast, and cruising on a Motor Guzzi to Wales. Good days.

  10. the1stephzen says:

    Your comments on my post have been and are always welcome.  I LOVE the detail you go into.  It has helped me a lot.  There are just some other factors involved that I don\’t want to blog about…but I\’m sure the other things are  something you would take into consideration as a doc. I will e-mail later.

  11. Audrey says:

    That was great!  I loved it. 

  12. Jaime Campbell says:

    Fun entry.  I don\’t ride, but I\’ll definitely consult your entry in case I ever do!  🙂
    Peace to you.

  13. Pamela says:

    Okay, that sounds alot like the tutorial I got when I had to ride a SCOOTER last summer in St. Augustine! The guy was pretty intense…*lol*
    I have had the fun of Bike Week in Leesburg,FL…definitely a different perspective…

  14. Patricia says:

    Hi Jorge…have a good weekend…we are supposed to get snow…

  15. Kathryn says:

    I\’ve ridden behind while someone else drove, and I drove one only once when I was a teen 🙂 My brothers friend had a crush onme *teehee* and he let me drive his motorcycle – of course with him on it with me *heehee* *grin*

  16. Jaime Campbell says:

    I am having a great weekend, thanks.  I hope you are as well!
    Peace to you.

  17. Suzalita says:

    I am not a motor cycle girl…Definately the Vespa to Starbucks type! LOL!

  18. Marge says:

    Happy Sunday morning, Jorge…
    Been awhile, I know.
    My beloved is a biker dude.
    He\’s got a Kawasaki KZ900, which we\’ve got to do some major work on to get it back on the road.
    He was sidelined for many years by:
    #1 Seeing the error of his hard-lovin, hard-drinkin, hard-ridin ways
    #2 Growing up by about twenty or so years
    #3 Focusing on his two beloved daughters who needed a level-      headed, grownup daddy
    #4 Meeting me
    #5 Falling in love with me
    #6 Growing up by another ten or so years
    #7 Taking on a position of greater responsibility and trust at his
          place of employment (in which we both take immeasurable
    #8 Discovering the Lure Of The Internet
    #9 Growing up by another year or so
    #10 Discovering he has to do stuff he enjoys just because it\’s right and he deserves it.
    Your entry was funny, and fun, and I hope to have my beloved read it when he gets the chance…I think he\’ll enjoy it , too.
    Peace and Love, my friend.

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