The Essence of Nothing

Christmas has come and gone. I can only hope your enjoyment of the holiday was as great as ours. I know I’ve been remiss in visiting you, but the time with family when we’re all together is so precious, I hope you’ll understand. My favorite poet returns to Paris in just over a week, and until then, I’m likely to remain incommunicado. In the meantime, I offer this following piece of light hearted fare to help close out the 2006 year. Best wishes to all for a happy, healthy New Year.
 

BEAN AND NOTHINGNESS.

BY JON FITCH

 

Hi, and welcome to Bean and Nothingness, New York‘s first truly holistic coffee bar. My name is Harmony and I’ll be your beverage liaison this morning. Since this is your first time with us, why don’t you sit in one of our Epiphany Chairs while I give you a quick orientation? Feel free to self-reflect, write poetry, or juggle if the mood strikes.

Here at Bean and Nothingness, our aim is not just to provide you with the sheer tranquility and utter transcendence that only the best coffee and coffee-related products can achieve but also to help you reach complete spiritual self-actualization during your time here. From our socially conscious beverages to our community-oriented pastries and our globally sensitive condiments, Bean and Nothingness is committed to making this a better world one customer at a time, just like it says on the door, and the counter, and the wall. It’s not just a slogan, either. No, every staff member here at Bean and Nothingness truly believes that we’re making a better world one customer at a time and has sworn it, in blood, under the influence of sodium pentothal. I should also tell you that our coffee pickers are the happiest in the world. While other companies exploit their Third World employees, we at Bean and Nothingness ensure that our field workers are given a constant intravenous drip of MDMA and opiates. Sure, it slows down production and, sure, they spend a lot of time hugging, but, in the end, it’s worth it. You can practically taste the love in the beans.

Now, before I present our beverage menu, may I interest you in an Amouchino™? It’s an antebeverage, or pre-beverage beverage, served from an eyedropper. The idea is similar to what the French call an amuse bouche—a small appetizer to amuse the palate, except, of course, it’s a drink and not an appetizer. Today’s flavors are Milagro Sweat and Artic Seal Tears. If you’re interested, Klart, our certified Amouchinist™, will be glad to Amouchatisfy™ you with a few drops on your tongue.

No? OK, then. Let’s move on to our beverage-menu lexicon. The first thing you should know is that our drinks are served in three sizes—Gandhi, King, and Mandela—with Mandela being the largest. Now, if you want nonfat milk in your drink, ask for a Sub-Saharan. If you want your drink decaffeinated, ask for a Mandarin Opium Den. If you want a double shot of espresso, ask for a Pinochet Helicopter Ride. If you want whipped cream on top, ask for a Hello Sailor Dirty Sanchez. And, finally, if you want boiling hot water thrown in your face and a vigorous kick to the crotch, ask for a venti skinny latte. We hate that. So, let me give you an example. If you wanted to order, say, a small decaffeinated latte with whipped cream, you’d ask for a Gandhi Mandarin Opium Den Hello Sailor Dirty Sanchez Latte. See how easy that is?

Of course, we don’t just serve coffee drinks. We serve a variety of liquid-refreshment options that will do much more than just quench your thirst. Our coconut chai will align your chakras. Our prune smoothies will purge the sins of past lives. Our Key-lime shakes will polish your aura. And our wheatgrass cider will cure bad karma. Oh, by the way, if you get tired of our Epiphany Chairs, you can always move over to our Inspiration Bar to work on your screenplay, write your great American novel, or found your Internet-based startup.

Any questions? No? OK, then what can I get you this morning? Just a small cup of coffee, no cream and no sugar? No problem. Hey, Klart, give me a Gandhi Coffee.

That’ll be $68.

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24 Responses to The Essence of Nothing

  1. Born says:

    Hehe. i thougth you were serious at first. but hey ill have a gandhi coffee myself. its six in the mornng and my steroids have kept me awake the whole night a coffee would be refreshing.

  2. Suzalita says:

    Happy New Year to you – This is very clever, I am so laughing – I am very much a coffe fan and have to laugh at the pretenses of the Famous coffee bars – there is a new Ad by Dunkin Donuts making fun of the coffee bars too – "My mouth can say these words – is it French or is it Italian?…" they are cute – the point is you can get great unpretentious coffee at DND!
     
    Looking forward to blogging together in the new year!

  3. Stephen Craig says:

    Jorge,  I wish you and yours a Very Happy New Year!  Keep up the great work.  As ever be well.  Stephen

  4. Lakota Clay says:

    Great, Jorge.  Had my taste buds all set to sample, and then you come out with that price.  Not fair!  Great satire.  Happy New Year, guy.  L.

  5. Marie says:

    This is great!

    Happy New Year to you and your loved ones.
    Hugs, Marie

  6. Marge says:

     
    Make that a triple hazlenut gourmet hot chocolate (SANS coffe, thank you very much) and I\’ll pay whatever you ask, plus a generous tip to boot!!
     
    Wonderful post, Jorge; thanks for my first giggle of the day!
     
    Happy New Year tio you and yours!
     
    Peace and love, always…
     
    Marge

  7. barbara says:

    As the midnight hour approaches here in Heidelberg Geramny, I wish you the very best life has to offer, in 2007.And I\’ll have a Ghandi Kaffee, Danke.

  8. PJ says:

    Happy New Year\’s Eve Jorge,
     
    May you and your family have a Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous 2007.
     
    Until next time..Keep Smiling.
     
    ~*~Paula~*~
     
     

  9. Jill says:

    Dear Jorge,
    Best wishes to you and your family for the New Year. My father does not believe in the New Year. He says there is no such thing. Life continues and there\’s no need for 10-9-8-7-…  I have a question for you. We just did a very interesting show with the head of Obstetrics of the Women\’s Hospital of Costa Rica. The theme of home births came up. How do you feel about that subject?
    Best,
    Jill

  10. redvelvet says:

    I want to stop by and wish you much health, wealth and happiness in the coming New Year… Be blessed…

  11. Zeynep says:

    Yes, it was very eventful year Jorge…
    Wishing you and yours a happy and healty new year too.
    Zeynep.

  12. Bittersweet on-the-hill. says:

    Jorge…..and Jorge again…..
     

  13. Bittersweet on-the-hill. says:

    Something is not working here.  And I didn\’t have any of that coffee either.  What I started to say is…where do you find these!!!  Laughing with you.  I\’m glad you had a wonderful holiday and I wish you and family many blessings and health in the coming year.  Be well and enjoy this day.  Bittersweet wishing for snow in upstate NY.

  14. Michelle says:

    Happy New Year to you and your wife!
     
    I hope your new year is filled with many blessings, adventures and good health and happiness!
     
    Love,
    Michelle
     

  15. Cheryl says:

    Jorge,
     
    So glad your favorite poet is still on board for another week.  Hope you all enjoy!  Loved the Bean and Nothingness coffee shop..

  16. K says:

    Wishing you a most wonderful New Year Jorge… many blessings to you and your family this coming year… may it be filled with wonder and excitment as we approach all of the unknown…. !
     
    Ciao!
    KC

  17. Lisa says:

    O, this made me:
     
    1.  Laugh.  Laugh hard.
    2.  Want to go read some Jonathon Swift.
    3.  Go get my own Ghandi Coffee.
     
    Many blessings.

  18. c says:

    It really isn\’t fair to get us all excited about the coffee then show the price. If you\’d put the price first I\’d probably have skipped the description. 🙂

  19. Michelle says:

    Jorge,
     
    I left the new job. I believe I made the right decision. The environment was not healthy. It was starting to affect me emotionally.
     
    Please keep me in your thoughts. I need to find a good job where I can go in and give it my all and feel happy at the end of the day.
     
    ((big hug))
    Michelle

  20. Marie says:

    The holidays are finally over, even for us here in Japan.  Everyone is eager to get back to work and some offices and shops have finally reopened their doors today.  Luckily I do not have to get back to work until tomorrow!
    Hugs, Marie

  21. the1stephzen says:

    Jorge, just stopping by to wish you and yours a Happy New Year!!  Thanks for stopping by my blog from time to time. 

  22. A Utah Woman Am I says:

    Jorge.
    I wanted to stop by and wish you a very happy New Year.  Thank you for your patience with me.  I hope to be back up and running again soon.  I just wanted to take a moment and say hello and thank you once again for your kindness.
    Hope all is well!
    Kelsey

  23. Pamela says:

    Jorge,
    What a treat taking us on a trip to Bean and Nothingness…man what fun! Loved it!
    I\’m so glad your holidays have been bright.
    Thank you also for your New Year wishes.
    Happy 2007…
    Be well.
    Peace.

  24. Edith says:

    I seriously have to forward this to my brother and his wife in Seattle… they actually drive miles each morning, eyes still half closed, clothing thrown on over their pajamas, hair still sticking straight up, to their favorite coffee hut… a tiny place with three people crammed into it in odd costumes and even odder caffeine induced states of mind to get their tall coffee late cappuccino frappe whatevers that they MUST have at $4 each, before they can even start their day, go to work, deal with kids… whatever.  Sad.

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