BEAN AND NOTHINGNESS.
BY JON FITCH
Hi, and welcome to Bean and Nothingness, New York‘s first truly holistic coffee bar. My name is Harmony and I’ll be your beverage liaison this morning. Since this is your first time with us, why don’t you sit in one of our Epiphany Chairs while I give you a quick orientation? Feel free to self-reflect, write poetry, or juggle if the mood strikes.
Here at Bean and Nothingness, our aim is not just to provide you with the sheer tranquility and utter transcendence that only the best coffee and coffee-related products can achieve but also to help you reach complete spiritual self-actualization during your time here. From our socially conscious beverages to our community-oriented pastries and our globally sensitive condiments, Bean and Nothingness is committed to making this a better world one customer at a time, just like it says on the door, and the counter, and the wall. It’s not just a slogan, either. No, every staff member here at Bean and Nothingness truly believes that we’re making a better world one customer at a time and has sworn it, in blood, under the influence of sodium pentothal. I should also tell you that our coffee pickers are the happiest in the world. While other companies exploit their Third World employees, we at Bean and Nothingness ensure that our field workers are given a constant intravenous drip of MDMA and opiates. Sure, it slows down production and, sure, they spend a lot of time hugging, but, in the end, it’s worth it. You can practically taste the love in the beans.
Now, before I present our beverage menu, may I interest you in an Amouchino™? It’s an antebeverage, or pre-beverage beverage, served from an eyedropper. The idea is similar to what the French call an amuse bouche—a small appetizer to amuse the palate, except, of course, it’s a drink and not an appetizer. Today’s flavors are Milagro Sweat and Artic Seal Tears. If you’re interested, Klart, our certified Amouchinist™, will be glad to Amouchatisfy™ you with a few drops on your tongue.
No? OK, then. Let’s move on to our beverage-menu lexicon. The first thing you should know is that our drinks are served in three sizes—Gandhi, King, and Mandela—with Mandela being the largest. Now, if you want nonfat milk in your drink, ask for a Sub-Saharan. If you want your drink decaffeinated, ask for a Mandarin Opium Den. If you want a double shot of espresso, ask for a Pinochet Helicopter Ride. If you want whipped cream on top, ask for a Hello Sailor Dirty Sanchez. And, finally, if you want boiling hot water thrown in your face and a vigorous kick to the crotch, ask for a venti skinny latte. We hate that. So, let me give you an example. If you wanted to order, say, a small decaffeinated latte with whipped cream, you’d ask for a Gandhi Mandarin Opium Den Hello Sailor Dirty Sanchez Latte. See how easy that is?
Of course, we don’t just serve coffee drinks. We serve a variety of liquid-refreshment options that will do much more than just quench your thirst. Our coconut chai will align your chakras. Our prune smoothies will purge the sins of past lives. Our Key-lime shakes will polish your aura. And our wheatgrass cider will cure bad karma. Oh, by the way, if you get tired of our Epiphany Chairs, you can always move over to our Inspiration Bar to work on your screenplay, write your great American novel, or found your Internet-based startup.
Any questions? No? OK, then what can I get you this morning? Just a small cup of coffee, no cream and no sugar? No problem. Hey, Klart, give me a Gandhi Coffee.
That’ll be $68.