New Rules for 2008

I’ve long ago have come to the conclusion that life is way too short, not to mention frequently absurd, to be taken too seriously. That’s why, when I look back and see my postings taking on a serious tone, or I find myself pontificating as if somehow I had the answers to the problems bedeviling most of us, I need to step back and lighten up. I know of no better way of doing this then by sharing with you the words of one of my favorite humorists, George Carlin. Here are a few of my favorite Carlin’s New Rules for 2008:

 

  • No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving; it’s the white people’s version of looting.
  • Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
  • If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
  • Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.
  • Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your buns. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
  • I don’t need bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
  • If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
  • When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
  • And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, there’s some guy offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or is just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
  • I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

SMILE

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20 Responses to New Rules for 2008

  1. Gelert says:

    I smiled. Thanks Jorge. I love the balance you strike in your blog.

  2. J says:

    Thanks Jorge! I needed that. My Fav: Tattoo! Love it!
    j

  3. Beth says:

    That was truly funny.  Made my day!!

  4. Marge says:

     
    I needed a smile, Jorge…
    Thank you…
    Always,
    Marge

  5. Jane says:

    Often we are too serious 🙂

  6. dawn says:

    *choOortling*     Jorge:hey, that tickled good 😉

  7. PJ says:

    Good Morning Jorge,
     
    Ahhhh…George Carlin. Hysterically funny man. Yes, I have seen this and if I am not mistaken…I may have posted it as well in an earlier entry. Never the less, it always makes me smile. Thank you!
     
    Until next time…Keep Smiling…
     
    ~*~Paula~*~
     

  8. Aimee says:

    lol…
    *~* :o) if you do not have a smile today… :o) I will give you one of mine… :o) *~*

  9. Deborah says:

    Pontificating is a great word, and probably a bad idea in a blog, but we all do it from time to time.  I know I feel it justifies having this space thing going on in the first place.  Does anyone care if I am moving, taking a holiday, or do they really give a rat\’s you know what about my politics?  Gelert is right, keep the balance, and I love Carlin.  I have been to see him twice, and that other guy making up the rules Bill Mahre once.  At least George is taller than me.
    Blessed be

  10. Holy says:

    Thank God life and people and our collective antics are absurd – blogs included – or there\’d be no George Carlins.
     
    I love the baseball cards, tattoo and bathroom attendant ones…
     
    And now I\’m craving an Almond Joy.  🙂

  11. Hope says:

    I think we all need a smile.. and this sure brought it..
    winter is almost over.. Or at least I keep telling my self.. I really do believe I should have been a bear..
    hybernation is lovely when one can do it.. and if not.. then George Carlen helps sooths the harhness of being awake..
    hope you and yours have been well, and keeping warm..
    been below 0 the past three days.. more like -27f below.. not nice..
    BUT.. spring is just around the corner.. a hop skip and  jump..
    now we just have to whisper  that in the groundhogs ear..
    \’smile\’
    soft hugs Hope 
     
     

  12. dawn says:

    RE: Your comment on my space.if you had posted in German, Jorge.. i would go to the translator to try to decode it, instead of leaving worthless words dangling in the space. peace, dawn

  13. sweeti's says:

    haah   wowow  good ones
    i loved  them all 
    abt  my  dry mouth  doc
    i went to check ups    i had diabetic tests  …i had  thyroid gland tests
    whatever?
    i bought  a   vapo machine    its now   back in his box…
    i use a lot of chewing gum  …
    ohhh btw..
    i dont drink coffee…..so thats  not the problem
    but  there are worse  things in life….dr…gave up    he said u have to live with it
    so now i do..
     
    but those sleepless nights  i wake up   every half hour coz of that dry mouth  i need to drink quickly coz it  really hurts  and then it take time to sleep again
    well  i keep on smiling
    bye bye 
     
     
     

  14. Michelle says:

    Very funny!
    Thanks for sharing those.
    Michelle

  15. Fenix says:

    Hello Jorge… all need a smile
     Life can be easier with a smile and you made me smile
    Hugs and have a great week

  16. Kathryn says:

    LAUGHING — especially the first one – dagnamit but I\’m sick of registeries- I told Rog "I am so surprised someone hasn\’t started a Christmas gift registery" – I mean, really! Is that next (or is someone already doing it? bleah PAH! Bah Humbug! laughing)

  17. Charlotte says:

    Thanks for the humor… Needed a good laugh.. As always, was great to stop here… hugs, lottemae

  18. Michelle says:

    Way too funny

  19. Betty says:

    Hi Jorge,
     
    Thank you – I so love the "hippy dippy weatherman!"
     
    Betty

  20. Etan says:

    Very Funny. George brings crabby to an artform.

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