New Rules for 2008

I’ve long ago have come to the conclusion that life is way too short, not to mention frequently absurd, to be taken too seriously. That’s why, when I look back and see my postings taking on a serious tone, or I find myself pontificating as if somehow I had the answers to the problems bedeviling most of us, I need to step back and lighten up. I know of no better way of doing this then by sharing with you the words of one of my favorite humorists, George Carlin. Here are a few of my favorite Carlin’s New Rules for 2008:

 

• No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving; it’s the white people’s version of looting.
• Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
• If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
• Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.
• Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your buns. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
• I don’t need bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
• If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
• When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
• And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, there’s some guy offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or is just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
• I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

SMILE

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